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1. You can’t cook
Is it just me or does everyone else find so-called “easy” cooking recipes to be the hardest thing imaginable? I just read one for a chicken soup that you’re supposed to be able to make even when you’re sick and feel like dying, but it still seemed impossible to me. Like, I could NEVER make this chicken soup even if I was at my best. All these “cooking for beginners” recipes are like, “So just use some spare chicken stock you have lying around in the fridge and, you know, throw some parsnips and figs in there, and voila, you have the most simple version of soup. A blind man could do it!” Uh, no. I don’t even know what chicken stock is. Is it something you can invest in on Wall Street? All I have in my fridge right now is old take out soup…
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There is a specific feeling which exists only when you run into someone you had long forgotten about. It’s probably most palpable when it’s an ex, but it can happen with friends who were once particularly close. It is comparable to a scab that seems to have been on your skin forever — a scrape which was once quite painful but has been so long in the healing process that you no longer notice its presence when you wash over it in the shower. You peel it off almost out of boredom and suddenly there is a drop or two of blood, something that vaguely resembles the wound it once was, now too distant to really cause any discomfort. These people are wounds which have healed over, which have never quite turned into scars but which have become just another part of your lived-in body.
Letting someone go — when…
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1. People are passive aggressive
When text messages were invented, passive aggressive people around the world rejoiced and said, “THANK YOU JESUS! There’s now yet another medium I can use where I don’t have to express my true feelings to someone and can make them feel bad in a variety of subtle (and not-so-sublte) ways!” Text messaging has now become the # 1 way to find out if you’re in the dog house with a friend or lover. For example, if they reply to your texts curtly with a simple “okay.”, you know you’re up shit creek without a paddle. That period after the okay might as well be a fucking Bazooka gun. YOU ARE DEAD. (Being pissed over texts has become so common that people have become paranoid that a friend is angry at them when they’re, in fact, fine. “When you said “yes” to my “see you later…
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1. To own books. To have an apartment that houses an overstuffed bookcase overflowing with fiction, non-fiction, autobiographies, cookbooks, self-help, and cheesy romance novels. Underneath the windowsill overlooking the city, there will sit a leather lounge chair that you picked up at an antique store or yard sale. Here, you will sit and read all your wonderful books.
2. To be loved. By friends, family, men and women. To never be alone on a Friday night. You’ll host book club meetings in your apartment and show off your overflowing bookcase. You’ll do yoga on Tuesdays. You’ll take art history classes for fun. You’ll go on dates. When your world falls apart, you’ll always have someone to call for support. A loving soul will always be there to congratulate you on your accomplishments, give you a massage after a long day, hook that difficult bracelet latch around your wrist that you…
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You’ve been warned.
1. People are going to dump you for no good reason.
There is something in the human brain which demands a logical explanation for even the most illogical events. “You can’t just up and dump me without a goddamn good reason,” it says, “I am in incredible pain right now. Someone justify this to me!” But sometimes, you can’t. They didn’t cheat on you. They didn’t leave you for someone else. They didn’t move away. There was no big life change. They just kind of stopped being into you for whatever reason, and there is nothing in the whole world less satisfying than that nonsense. It provides no closure, gives you nothing tangible to work on, and doesn’t even make for good bouts of self-loathing. You just have to kind of absorb the blow and accept that sometimes things don’t work out even though you did everything right, and there…
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